He Was Wrong

This past Sunday, if you were at FHC, you heard my husband talk about how him and I got into some “intense fellowship”. That is Christianese for an argument. Yep, it was the Saturday before church and he asked me if he could share about it on Sunday morning. I told him he was welcome to share about it as long as he told everyone how wrong he was! 🙂 Well, I was joking (sort of) but he actually did say that, several times. The truth is whenever you get into an argument, it is rarely ever one persons fault. I think sometimes we can be poor listeners, defensive, indifferent and things of that nature even if we were not the initial cause of the argument. I think we can always work to improve on our communication so when things do pop up they are not allowed to take root and cause havoc.

I absolutely hate it when Troy and I hit heads but one thing I know for sure, we are quick to resolve situations. That is why it is easy to talk about in front of a ton of people on a Sunday morning because when you resolve things, the sting has no hold on you. As a matter of fact, the reason I am writing this right now is because one man, who was done with “church”, rededicated his life to the Lord because my husband was so vulnerable. It was his first time visiting FHC. That was very humbling to me. To hear someone say, “if a pastor can be that real, I guess I can too”, brought me to my knees. I mean I know God causes all things to work together for good, but someone getting saved because of an argument is a first for me. The power of transparency can never be underestimated. This past Sunday 40 adults made decisions for the Lord. How powerful!

So today we went to one of the two counselors who are in our lives. We wanted to process through it and make sure that we are honoring to each other when we disagree and that there are not roots that need to be dug up as well from our misguided childhoods. When you are as committed to healthy relationships as we are, it’s just plain good to invite people who know what they are doing to walk you through situations. I want to share a few things he shared with us today in hopes that my “issue” could maybe in some way inspire you to fully process things that happen in your life or encourage you that you are not alone when things do hit the fan.

First, don’t try to share “truth” with someone if you have not first joined them. Joining means connecting on a heart level, being fully and completely engaged.  If you join them FIRST, then they can hear from you, even the hard stuff. Here is how it works, it’s called JAR. First level is Join, deeper level is Authenticity, deepest level is you Risk. If you first join someone, then you can be authentic with who and what you are. With that comes risk because you cannot control the other person’s response. That is why so often we don’t tell people how we are really feeling or thinking because it is too risky and we cannot control the outcome. True community and deep level relationships have to work at this. If we stay safe, we don’t enter into the depth that really allows us to love and be loved.

Second, feelings are NOT truth. They are simply a symptom of what you believe. It is important to share feelings because it uncovers a belief system and that is usually where the lies are. It is not in the feelings realm. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are just what you feel. They point you to a belief system that usually is faulty thus causing you to feel the way you feel. That is why connecting with feelings is important. Not so you can live there but so you can identify some key beliefs so you can be healed.

I hope you are committed to healthy relationships and working through tough situations. Jesus was committed to imperfect people and we should be too. You will never escape conflict so it might be a good idea to learn how to process it in a manor that brings God glory!

What feelings come up for you when you read this?

P.S. He was wrong! 🙂


~ by pennymaxwell on March 23, 2010.

2 Responses to “He Was Wrong”

  1. Thanks Penny-great info for all-keep plowing the hard places…

  2. Thanks, Penny!

    Great blog.

    I’m a pastor of a church that my wife and I planted ten years ago. For the past two years, my wife and I have sought out counseling for the very reasons that you stated in your blog. What has transpired among our small group, our close friends, and those who attend our church has been a real God thing! Namely, as we shared our lives with open transparency (about our marriage) we’ve been able to watch dozens of other couples seek out counseling for their marriages as well. It was like a collection of dominoes all falling in a deliberate pattern. In addition, a large number of these couples have rededicated their lives to Christ, or have made first time commitments – and some have even been baptized (in the past year). In all honesty, we did not seek out counseling as a clever move to impact other couples for God’s kingdom. Indeed, we were simply focusing on our own marriage. But that’s SO GOD. He used our struggles and transparency to create a movement among others to ditch their masks and to face their challenges head on.

    I just wanted to write to you and affirm your passion to share this message with the rest of us in leadership.

    Blessings on your marriage – and the rest of ministry shall follow.

    In His Grip,

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