What I Do Go Through Is………
As I talked about yesterday, there are feelings that pastor’s wives go through. The top one is being lonely. I so get that but let me share with you what my top feeling is. I mean if this blog is called Confessions Of A Pastor’s Wife, shouldn’t I confess? I often go through feelings of being misunderstood. As a matter of fact I am not sure a day goes by where I do not feel that in some shape or fashion. I hate to admit that but it is true.
Why? I can tell you why but giving you examples might help you understand it a little better.
1. I am not omnipresent like God. I cannot be at every baby shower, I cannot answer every email and I cannot return every phone call. Not because I don’t want to but because I have a wonderful team of people around me who want to make sure that my role as a wife and as a mother do not suffer. It does not mean that I do not care about you or have anything against you.
2. I am not “on” all the time. If I did not get a chance to say hello to you in the hallway at church it is not because it was not my heart to. Sometimes it is just a matter of I need to get my girls out the door for cheerleading practice or after sitting through three services I just need to find a bathroom quickly. I am for you and I do love you very much.
3. I am not typical. I am not your typical pastor’s wife and quite frankly do not want to be. I live life loud, I laugh loud, I talk loud, I am just a very high energy person who loves to see life in a vibrant way. I may not be like the sweet, quiet pastors wife you may have been familiar with, but I truly am happy to be who God made me to be. I want to rejoice in the fact that God is not a cookie-cutter kind of God. He likes variety and takes pleasure in it. The things I love to do are to communicate to large groups of people, lead, teach, network and problem solve. Those are the things I am good at and I like to stick to those even if it does not fit a mold you may have been familiar with from your past church.
4.I have issues too. When I hurt or go through something I want to know people are there for me too. I try my best to let people know that I am there for them when they go through something but don’t necessarily feel the same liberty when I go through something. I am human and don’t always feel I am allowed to be/say how I feel without being critiqued. I am not perfect and never have been. Although people say they know that, I still feel they are shocked when faced with my humanity. I tend to stay very guarded except with a small few. That might be a contributor to most pastor’s wives being so lonely too, just a thought.
5. Unmet expectations lead to disappointments. A pastor’s heart is designed to want to help people. That is my passion. I want to help people. There are times though where I can’t and it leads to disappointments in people. If you feel God spoke to you that I am supposed to mentor you each week but He never told me that, there is room for disappointment. I learned a long time ago that pressure to do something He has not told me to do will only result in my demise. I have to be careful to make sure that I am hearing His voice louder than any other. Sometimes those unmet expectations can result in pain for people and I hate that but I would rather have you mad at me than God if I had to pick one.
6. You might not understand my motive. I am pretty precise most of the time when I do the things I do. As a leader I have to maximize most anything that I can and it may not always be understood. For example, on Sunday mornings I stay focused on those who walk in the door that may not know Jesus. I am on a mission. I want them to know we love them and care for them. It is my desire to see them snatched from the devils kingdom and added to God’s. That window is very small. They are usually the first ones out the door each week, so as soon as church is over I go after them before they can “escape”. I often have people who want to tell me a story or ask me to pray over them for a specific reason as soon as church is out. I love to hear stories and I love to pray over people but that is why we have our Life Group leaders come up front. They can pray for you with just as much impact. I want to go after those whose eternal life is dangling in the balance. I am VERY passionate about that. It is not that I am insensitive and don’t want to hear your story or pray you though something, honestly I do. But there are people there in the front each week who can do an amazing job at that while I focus on those who are far from God. I am driven by purpose.
So know that because my heart is for God’s people, it is my desire to serve you in any way I can. I want to be the best pastor/pastor’s wife that I can be. I want to be a godly example to you, I really do. I also know by the fact that I am human that you might not always understand my motives or intentions but please never underestimate my heart for you. I count it a joy to pray for you and serve you in the way that I do. I love to see your smiling faces come through the door each week and it lights me up when your kids hug me around my neck. That is extreme joy. My heart is for you and your family and always will be. We are building the Kingdom together and I would rather do nothing else with my life than join my husband to pastor Freedom House Church!
I love you!
P.S. Feel free to comment if you feel there is something I should have added. My husband actually added #6. Hope this helped you get inside my head a bit.